Apperception.

Sometimes I lack it. How many times in my life have I not learned from my mistakes. Have I not taken the experiences of my past and laid them over my new experiences like a template.

I see it happen daily and I'm trying to change. Trying to grow. To learn. I feel myself fall into ruts. Sometimes I dig hard to scale the sides of the rut. Other times I can feel myself getting comfortable in it. I begin pushing all the rocks to the side. Clearing out a nice little spot to lay my body and rest. Then, after a rest, I decide to half-heartedly attempt to climb out. It rarely works. Almost never.

It takes that impulsive desire to get out of a rut. That drive. That rush of electricity. And I think that's what I'm saying --

Sometimes I don't feel electric. And it is that temporary lack of electricity that sometimes makes me freeze. And blind. And deaf.

I become mute to the world around me and inside of me. Not seeing the events of my past. Not hearing them.

How long have I been like this?